THE JOKE ACT THREE

A PLAY IN FOUR ACTS BY TONY KNEIPP

WARNING: SOME WORDS MAY OFFEND SOME READERS

Scene: Inside the Endeavour Beach police station.

(Our two local cells or factions are now drifting towards open confrontation and war. Constable Hall's sense of honour, wounded by the raid by Kelly on his associates, is driving him towards a kind of brinkmanship not dissimilar to that which is pursued in the defence of the honour of nations. Unable to contain his anger, Sean confronts Kelly with an ultimatum the moment the two of them are alone at the police station.)

Sean: You prick! You busted my informants!

Kelly: Mates of yours, are they? Well, don't worry, mate, they only got done with a couple of ounces. It'll only be a slap on the wrist. We get a bust, and they get off lightly. It's good for everyone.

Sean: Good for you, you mean. What about the 10 pounds of primo and the twenty grand?

Kelly: You're kidding! I heard it was just a couple of elbows. Look, it's nothing to do with me, mate. I've got no idea what you're talking about.

Sean: Cut the crap. I know it was you.

Kelly: You don't know shit. It wasn't me, it was Drug Squad from Mackay.

Sean: Yeah, your old mate Gibbo. But you were hanging around outside, running the show.

Kelly: Mate, I don't know what gives you that idea. I wasn't anywhere near the place.

Sean: You were seen there, just down the road.

Kelly: By who? Did you see me there?

Sean: You kept it off the computer, too, didn't you?

Kelly: I told you, it's nothing to do with me, mate.

Sean: I'm supposed to know about these things. If it was just a normal raid, why wasn't it on the computer?

Kelly: You're imagining things, mate. You're paranoid. Who says it's not on the computer?

Sean: I checked yesterday. Nothing. That's because it was your little set-up, your sting and one in the eye for me. (Sean goes to his desk and checks something on his computer terminal.)

OK, so it's there now, very fucking clever. You've obviously come in here before you went off to do the job, and stuck it on there. Very fucking cute.

Kelly: Like I said, you're paranoid, it's all in your head. This conversation is getting very fucking boring. Why don't you just run away and play trains!

Sean: I'm not about to go away. I'm about to get right in your face. Where's the smoko and the readies? I want them back.

Kelly: Mate, I don't run the world any more than you do. Shit happens. Just grow up and learn to take the bad with the good, and move on.

Sean: (almost shouting) I want the dope and I want the money! I want it all back.

Kelly: You think this is all just a game, don't you? You've go two chances, Buckley's and none.

Sean: And what if I don't like that answer?

Kelly: And what are you going to do about it?

Sean: You'll see.

Kelly: Mate, you're an idiot. You'll land us all in the shit.

Sean: You're already in the shit with me.

Kelly: Just be careful, that's all.

Sean: Are you threatening me?

Kelly: I'm just concerned about your welfare, son. The stress of being such an outstanding officer has obviously got to you. You seem to be losing the plot.

Sean: How touching!

Kelly: Besides, how could I threaten you when you've got no imagination? It's like talking to a brick wall. Just remember, it's all very fine and good to be a player, but we've all got to pay the price.

Sean: That's it, is it?

Kelly: Yeah, that's it.

Sean: Like hell it is!

(He storms out.)

The lights come up to reveal Sean and Amber once more sitting around the desk in the motel office.)

Sean: We both know it was Kelly and that little bitch Janelle!

Amber: OK, OK, what are we going to do about it then?

Sean: We're not just going to take it lying down, that's for sure. It's going to be payback, tit for tat. Wait until they've got a big deal going down.

Amber: No, I've got a better idea. We'll go for the cash instead.

Sean: But surely they've got that well stashed somewhere, salted away in bogus bank accounts, or buried out in the middle of the bush or just about anywhere?

Amber: Well maybe not, maybe they're being just a little bit careless there. What if I told you I found out where it was stashed?

Sean: At the cafe?

Amber: No, that's a bit too public. It's at her house, in Dawson St. They've hollowed out a wall somewhere. There's a lot of money there. But there's only one way we're going to find it.

Sean: Rip the place apart.

Amber: Right. Two sledgehammers, and two axes when no one's home.

Sean: We'd need to set it up with a car. And we need a police radio. And a lookout on the outside with a walkie-talkie, of course.

Amber: No one's at home and we go through with sledgehammers and axes and chomp.

Sean: But Janelle's too smart for that. There's nearly always one of her hangers-on there.

Amber: Most of the time, but not all the time. And apparently Janelle's going away to Sydney for a couple of weeks next month.

Sean: But what if we rip the whole place apart and come up empty? We'll look pretty silly if there's nothing there.

Amber: What about sticking a camera in there? Like that one you showed me the other day.

Sean: A bug! You're sick! That's a great idea! But we can really only bug one room. It could be anywhere.

Amber: What I heard was it's somewhere around the lounge area.

Sean: There you go then. All we've got to do is plant the bug, work out where the stash is, then clean it out.

Amber: That's all. We just need to break into Janelle's place - twice.

Sean: We'll have police radios and plenty of backup. It'll be a cinch.

Amber: I know it was my bright idea but I'm not real sure if I like this. It's easy to talk, but it could all get out of hand.

Sean: What do you want to do, let them get away with ripping us off and then thumbing their noses at us?

Amber: No, 50 grand is too much to give up without a whimper. I just wish things would settle down a bit, that's all.

Sean: First we've got to teach Kelly and his cronies to show us a bit of respect. He's treating us with contempt.

Amber: You're right. This'll make him sit up and take notice.

Sean: How are things going other than this little bit of unfinished business?

Amber: Quite well. It’s amazing, really. I thought we might fall into a hole, but things haven’t missed a beat. Just as well!

Sean: How’s the acid going?

Amber: I think I know where we could move some more of that. There’s this girl called Lisa, and you know that guy Doug who runs Gigi’s, well she’s got him selling for her at the nightclub, selling damn oodles of trips.

Sean: We’ll go and raid the joint.

Amber: Why don’t you just go and have a quick little chat with him, show him that, (She gestures towards a plastic bag sitting on the desk.) and just say this is just for show, I can introduce you to the person who can tell you all about it?

Sean: The way I see it, we can corner the market, at least as far as that goes. If he gives me any trouble, I’ll pinch him. I’ll load him up with this (He grabs the plastic bag off the desk and waves it dangling from his fingers) if I have to!

Scene: Inside a nightclub office (Gigi's).

Douggie West is sitting at his desk, talking on the phone as Hall enters. West cups a hand over the speaker of the phone as he greets our diligent young constable.)

West: G'day. Grab a pew. (He gestures to a chair on the other side of the desk.) I'll be with you in a moment.

(West continues with his phone call. Meanwhile, Sean takes something out of his pocket, and, unseen by the nightclub manager who is busy with his phone call, tosses it lightly into a waste paper basket which is next to the desk.)

Look, I'm going to have to go, Hall's just walked in. (pause) No, I don't know what he wants. (pause) I've got more important things to worry about now than that. Ring me back in half an hour. If I'm not here, get Miller to check it out. That's what I pay him for. (He hangs up.)

(to Sean) : G'day.

Sean: G'day. What do you need a lawyer for? Been getting up to a bit of mischief, something to hide?

West: There's nothing going on here mate, I run a clean place. You guys are just hard to please, that's all.

Sean: This place has a bit of a reputation, though, doesn't it?

West: It's just talk. People get bored, they've got to talk about something.

Sean: Really? I heard if you ask the right people you can score drugs here.

West: That's bullshit! I mean I wouldn't say nothing's ever changed hands in here, that's human nature, but if anything regular was going on, I'd know about it, for sure.

Sean: Funny you should say that. The word on the street is that you can score pot and E's and acid in here. And you know what I heard? I heard you're the man.

West: Like I said, that's bullshit. Everyone thinks that because it's a nightclub, it's like one big free for all.

Sean: And what about the young girls, eh! I could come down here any night and there'd be at least half a dozen under age every time.

West: You can't always pick 'em, mate. We're always checking their ID, but they just borrow it off their older mates, of course. But it's not like we just turn a blind eye and let them in. As soon as we twig to them, we chuck them straight out on their ear, every time!

Sean: That's not what I heard. A thing like that could cost you your licence, you know.

(sullen silence on West's part, then)

West: So what do you want?

Sean: I just wanted to check the place out, satisfy myself the place is clean.

West: You can look all you like, mate, you won't find anything here.

Sean: I might just do that. Get up, I want to have a look in your desk, for starters.

West: Where's your warrant?

Sean: Don't be bloody stupid. I can get as many warrants as I like, if you want me to really go through the place like a dose of salts. Under the Drugs Misuse Act, all I need is reasonable suspicion, I don't need a warrant. You know that as well as I do. Now stop wasting my time.

West: A man's gotta have some rights! (He gets up.) Go on then, look for all I care! You won't find anything.

Sean: Now you're being sensible.

(Sean moves around, and makes a show of searching the desk, before emptying the contents of the waste paper basket onto the desk.)

Sean: What have we here!

(He produces a plastic bag. Inside the bag are two other bags, one with a small amount of pot, the other contains what appears to be acid.)

Sean: Does that look like nothing to you?

West: (babbling, terrified) That's not mine! You must've put it there. I haven't done anything wrong. Why are you doing this to me?

Sean: Sit down and shut up, you snivelling little turd. (West sits.) From now on you're going to do what I tell you to do, you got that?

(West nods, sobs.)

Sean: There's no freelancers in this town. I know exactly what you've been up to, so spare me the bullshit. From now on you're working for me. That means you'll be getting your supplies from me and your orders from me. Otherwise I'm going to come back here, and I'm going to stand on your neck and squash you like a bug. Am I making myself perfectly clear?

West: Yes.

Sean: So you're going to behave yourself and come on board and not rock the boat, right?

West: You're not giving me much choice, are you?

Sean: That's true, but it wasn't really the answer I wanted to hear, Douggie. It sort of lacks enthusiasm and commitment.

West: Yes, yes, yes, I'll do it. Now just leave me alone, fuck you!

Sean: There you are, that wasn't too hard, now was it. Well, you've got your free samples there. I'll be back at the end of the week to tell you how it's going to go. Do me a favour though, will you mate. Stop that bloody snivelling. That's no way for a grown man to behave. You make me sick, just looking at you.

Scene: Inside Janelle's house.

Sean and Amber, both dressed in overalls and gloves, are in the lounge room of Janelle’s house. They have dropped in unexpectedly while their hostess is out.)

Amber: You got the bug back OK?

Sean: No worries.

Amber: You took your time about it. I was beginning to get worried.

Sean: I was just trying to do a nice tidy job. I don't want them to know we've had a bug in here. Sealing the hole up took just as long as ripping the bug out. So where do you reckon it is?

Amber: Behind this cupboard.

(They move a cabinet which is against the wall.)

Amber: Around about here, I reckon.

(Amber puts her hand on the wall to indicate the desired spot. Sean runs his hand across the wall, and feels around the general area.)

Sean: If it is, it's not obvious. Let's have a look.

(Sean takes a tomahawk from his bag and cuts a hole in the wall. He then stops and reaches through the hole, and feels around.)

Sean: Nothing.

Amber: Shit! Let's try this side. And maybe a bit lower.

(Sean cuts another hole in the wall boards with the tomahawk, and once more sticks his hand through the hole and pokes around inside.)

Sean: Bingo! There's something here, all right. Some sort of tin.

Amber: Unreal!

Sean: Hang on. I just need to cut this out a bit more to get it out.

(He hacks away a bit more with the tomahawk, then reaches in and retrieves a smallish square tin of the kind used for biscuits or confections. The tin is taped with gaffer tape around the edges of the lid.)

Sean: OK, let's see what we got. (He removes the tape, and then the lid of the tin.) Jackpot!

Amber: Far out!

Sean: How much do you reckon?

Amber: It's certainly more than twenty. More than fifty, I reckon.

Sean: I guess that evens things up a bit, then.

Amber: We didn't really have to trash the place at all. Do you think we should? You know, just so it's not too obvious us going straight for it. We could trash the bedrooms too.

Sean: No, it's cool. This way it looks like an inside job. Let them tear themselves apart over who did it while we sit back and laugh. Come on, let's clean this up.

(Sean produces a brush and pan and a couple of kitchen tidy bags from his bag, and hands them to Amber. He then rummages around the bag, and produces a hand held car-type vacuum cleaner. They proceed to clean up frantically.)

Amber: You're organised!

Sean: Yeah, a regular boy scout. (They continue to clean frantically.) That'll do. Let's get the cupboard back. (They do just that. Sean then stands back for a moment to admire his handiwork.) Great. It's not too obvious at all. With a bit of luck, no one will twig to it till Janelle gets back. The longer, the better. OK, that's it. Let's get out of here.